from, "Parachutes"

The nights were worse. Nothing can compare to having to nurture your heart to sleep. To having to shove it back when it wants to lie on your sleeve, or better yet, having to hear his name being rolled of tongues when you’re supposed to be in your fifth dream.

No sound but the wind. But life moves on oh so kindly.

My back was falling softly into the covers of my bed. My feet and head ached from today’s run. The evasive calamity of the memories slapped across my brain, and I couldn’t help fall into them.

So little to say but so much time; the simple questions walking while the demons are held back. The prying eyes of the latter seem so squinted yet defined, they keep begging me for a call, a message, any sign that he’s alive. I rolled over on my belly and felt the warm notion of my eyes wetting my cheeks. “Thanks.” I breathed to the dark.

It’s a lie. The memory hissed back at me and I fear the force it causes on my chest. Again, another day, another second of an hour that my arms are empty! 

No sound but the wind?

Nathan, why? Nathan, you know better than the world just how much I cared. You knew, yet you felt obligated to lie.

Lie to me again, please. I’ll take anything. Why? Your warm breath through my skin as it searches to delete my stress, your soft lips joining with the curve of my neck, the luscious murmur of your voice speaking to me, Nathan, I have never, ever felt this before…

Breathe. 

He lied. You bought it. I was blind. You hurt us. If you had been wiser, you would be happy today.

I Was

I've never been good at setting boundaries. 

For example, knowing the difference between keep going or, "Okay, you've had enough."

It's not till the first punch hits, (and only when it hits well) that I snap my head back in the pain of the blow. Pain that has probably been accumulating for months. 

Wait, I misused the word. It's not pain. It's stress. Stress packs on for anybody, and if your like me, you snap, but after months of pressure. 

Then you almost have this reproach, this bitter, foul mouth. 

Don't let stress get to you; it's only the poison before unhappiness. It's the sense of captivity.

So when you have stress....? Punch it in the face (whoever or whatever) is causing the strain. 

I know these words are important; Everything is temporary. 

Soon it will be gone.  

Had you...

In the mixture of books and the like, I have forgotten why I started. Was there ever a point to Parachutes and Vying? Somewhere in me I am aware that they were created so that I could explain, in the voice of other characters in my head, what I could so often not tell myself. When I started developing each of them, they all had singular truths and grudges to throw at me. All because I could not understand on my own, I had to create a separate portal to vocalize. 

I knew from the get go that starting something implied the truth rolling.

In different situations and different words; but inside all the same, brothers and sisters. It isn't terrifying anymore, the truth is something I can live with. I had always figured it would be more vast and complex, but it is mine, so I can grasp every curve and comprehend the reasons behind each. 

You are confused, aren't you? 

It's okay, I've always said that if I could divorce myself I would, but thankfully, the procedure is nonexistent. Because really... why run away from ourselves? The relationship I share with my soul is more important than anything, I can't extradite it, I can't condemn it. How can I hope to love someone else if I fail to start with Maryuri? I am in a healthier place with myself than I have been in years. 

Yet now that I think I am beginning to grow equipped to understanding another's needs as much as I understand my own, he has chosen to firmly turn away from me in cowardice. Thus, the well intoxicating love made sure that I would have to try again to get it right. I am stubborn, and this means that I don't care how much you tell me I can't, I simply do.

And in turn will.

But you should know that in anger, I always poise my thoughts in a positive note. 

However, no truth is taken away from them.